for shame
I haven't been able to update my fitness blog. All I've felt over the past year is shame. Shame for not taking care of myself. Shame for all the things I should do but never do. Shame for my medical ailments. Shame for not eating right. Shame for not doing regular exercise. Just plain shame.
I'm tired of feeling shameful; it's a terrible-feeling emotion to hold onto. A lot has happened in the last 12 months to make me take stock in my life.
First of all, I haven't taught aerobics since August 2005. I feel guilty for this and relieved at the same time. I have decided that I will not take up teaching again and have let my primary certification expire. I don't feel motivated and more importantly, motivating to other people. I needed to find myself again and figure out what I like doing and how I like doing it. I lost myself in the past couple of years. I've been identifying my newest role in life as a wife and a mother. Although I don't feel like I give, give, give and have forgotten myself (the typical new wife/mother issues). I just haven't completely accepted my new roles in life. I love every minute of it. I think it's kind of like when I was in my 20s and I was trying to accept the fact that I was really an adult.
Secondly, my Dad just had a 5 bypass heart surgery. 5!!!!!!! I didn't even know there was anything beyond quadruple. I've since found out that you can have 6 as well. Eeeeegad. Anywho, it's a terrible surgery that rips your body apart physically and spiritually. But I thank God there's such a procedure to save my Dad's life. His Dad died in his 30's of a heart attack. So, yes, this is my big wake up call. I've had high cholesterol for several years now and it's time to grow up and accept responsibility for myself.
I’m tired of being overweight but more importantly, I’m tired of how I feel. I’m so tired all of the time. I have no energy to do anything. Everything hurts. It hurts to be touched. I just want to sleep all of the time (but no opportunity to do so).My daily emotional state borderlines on apathy. I don’t ever want to have heart surgery like my Dad. If I have any kind of control over my well-being, it’s only fair I take the helm for me, my future, and my family.
I’ve come to accept the fact that some of these medical concerns are hereditary, but unlike the rest of my family who accepts that they have no control, I believe I have a certain amount of control. I don’t smoke (unlike my grandfather, mother, and brother) and I don’t expose myself to an excess amount of 2nd hand smoke (unlike my father). My family doesn’t take care of themselves. Whether it’s the diet, exercise, or just seeing a doctor when it matters, they just don’t do it. Or they see doctors too much because they refuse to accept the habits they participate in as detrimental to their health and those around them but do nothing about it.
I’ve vented enough there. Now I need to accept my habits as detrimental and fix it since I can only fix myself and not others. (In addition to the whole hypocrisy aspect to that notion) I’ve started eating better. I need to start somewhere. I cut out most processed foods, sugar, and processed starches. I just can’t control my eating when I eat this shit so I need to cut it out for sometime. I’ve been indulging in lots of veggies and some fruit. I try to have a protein and a healthy fat at every meal. This is my life and I’m taking control.
I'm tired of feeling shameful; it's a terrible-feeling emotion to hold onto. A lot has happened in the last 12 months to make me take stock in my life.
First of all, I haven't taught aerobics since August 2005. I feel guilty for this and relieved at the same time. I have decided that I will not take up teaching again and have let my primary certification expire. I don't feel motivated and more importantly, motivating to other people. I needed to find myself again and figure out what I like doing and how I like doing it. I lost myself in the past couple of years. I've been identifying my newest role in life as a wife and a mother. Although I don't feel like I give, give, give and have forgotten myself (the typical new wife/mother issues). I just haven't completely accepted my new roles in life. I love every minute of it. I think it's kind of like when I was in my 20s and I was trying to accept the fact that I was really an adult.
Secondly, my Dad just had a 5 bypass heart surgery. 5!!!!!!! I didn't even know there was anything beyond quadruple. I've since found out that you can have 6 as well. Eeeeegad. Anywho, it's a terrible surgery that rips your body apart physically and spiritually. But I thank God there's such a procedure to save my Dad's life. His Dad died in his 30's of a heart attack. So, yes, this is my big wake up call. I've had high cholesterol for several years now and it's time to grow up and accept responsibility for myself.
I’m tired of being overweight but more importantly, I’m tired of how I feel. I’m so tired all of the time. I have no energy to do anything. Everything hurts. It hurts to be touched. I just want to sleep all of the time (but no opportunity to do so).My daily emotional state borderlines on apathy. I don’t ever want to have heart surgery like my Dad. If I have any kind of control over my well-being, it’s only fair I take the helm for me, my future, and my family.
I’ve come to accept the fact that some of these medical concerns are hereditary, but unlike the rest of my family who accepts that they have no control, I believe I have a certain amount of control. I don’t smoke (unlike my grandfather, mother, and brother) and I don’t expose myself to an excess amount of 2nd hand smoke (unlike my father). My family doesn’t take care of themselves. Whether it’s the diet, exercise, or just seeing a doctor when it matters, they just don’t do it. Or they see doctors too much because they refuse to accept the habits they participate in as detrimental to their health and those around them but do nothing about it.
I’ve vented enough there. Now I need to accept my habits as detrimental and fix it since I can only fix myself and not others. (In addition to the whole hypocrisy aspect to that notion) I’ve started eating better. I need to start somewhere. I cut out most processed foods, sugar, and processed starches. I just can’t control my eating when I eat this shit so I need to cut it out for sometime. I’ve been indulging in lots of veggies and some fruit. I try to have a protein and a healthy fat at every meal. This is my life and I’m taking control.
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